Barbara Marx Hubbard once told me privately that, as a strong and self-sufficient woman, love has never been easy. The same held true for me. While the men I had spent time with over the course of my adult life were attracted to what appeared to be a successful media woman, they were not prepared to take on the extended implications of my strength, nor of my weaknesses. I have opinions and thoughts about a myriad of topics and have never played the ‘subservient’ role well. When I offered up my thoughts on this topic or that, their faces generally either glazed over or appeared to feel threatened, often both at the same time. I suppose it’s to be expected. Who, after all, wants to talk of remote viewing, quantum healing, soul agreements or ETs over their morning croissant?
At the same time I have spent a great deal of my life, unconsciouly, as a pleaser and am uncomfortable if the people around me are not happy. So, like many women, I would prove overly accommodating to make the other person happy, which often led to feelings of having been exploited or disrespected. I have a very low tolerance for this kind of pain and would inevitably act in my own best interest and move away from the relationship. This unconscious behavior on my part robbed me of knowing the sublime feeling of trust on the deepest levels. So about twelve years ago I found a form of sublimation – Argentine Tango.
This seemingly macho, South American form of expression has rules. Men lead and women follow. Women like me either become addicted to it, or stomp off the floor after their first couple of milongas (tango gatherings), never to return. I would have guessed that I was a candidate for the latter.
With Argentine tango, there is an objective element that supersedes popularity, physical appearance, and even friendship at times. If you can do the dance well, you will have plenty of partners. If you do not, you will sit on the sidelines all night long, alone. This is in part because of the tradition that men must ask the woman to dance. In nouveau tango circles this has since changed, where women dance together and people just play, but I had entered the traditional tango scene and I had to play by the rules or quit.
By my third milonga/practica session I was ready to quit. The man I was dancing with had had no real feel for the dance nor the music and I felt as though I was being tortured through the set of three to four tangos. I would subtly try to back-lead, to no avail. He was insistent that he lead, as he well should have. At the same time, I wasn’t skilled enough to dance with the more fluid and advanced men.
I sat down after the set of dances, agitated, and realized that I could either learn a little grace and humility and learn to follow another human being’s cue, or I could walk out and never return.
I stayed. And I learned patience, humility and the beauty of surrender. I also learned about give and take and how a truly empowered man gives the woman free reign of expression. This was exemplified in the dances and performances of the mature dance couples in which all eyes were on the woman, though the man was creating the impeccable leads that allowed her to shine.
While I cannot say this is the perfect simile for intimate relationships, it gave me a glimpse into surrender from a safe distance. As I danced or practiced three to four nights a week, I became a decent follower and dance partner. As I further developed my skills, the more comfortable I felt to close my eyes and melt into the dance. I became addicted to the surrender. This was one place I could go and not have to make all of the decisions, not be responsible for anything except my own body moving with another body to the music.
There was one caveat. I could only do this with the better dancers. When a man was not sure of himself and gave either unclear, or overbearing leads, I would keep my eyes open, alert for danger. But, when a man was confident, relaxed and skilled, I would surrender completely, eyes shut, head against his cheek, one hundred percent present and in the moment to respond to his next improvised lead as the entire dance is improvised and led by the man and responded to in kind by the woman. She brings to the dance whatever she chooses to create in response to the lead in the moment.
This is not an easy journey for a mate that doesn’t dance. Because Scott knows that tango feeds my heart and soul on some level, he encourages me to continue, and, for that I am truly grateful. These are some of my best moments outside of space and time.
Regina, thank you for sharing those interesting insights about the tango, but even moreso about yourself. I suspect that Scott is a man who values the opportunities which allow you to shine, rather than himself, and thus surrender may be becoming easier. But as we all know love is never easy, and pride is the one thing that makes it so difficult. The reason for that is because it is so easy to see in others and almost impossible to see in ourselves. It is what keeps all of us…men and women… from learning patience, humility, and the beauty of surrender. So why is it so hard to see in ourselves? Because pride is not what we have perceived it to be.
Exaggerated self esteem, haughtiness, and conceit are the results of pride but pride itself is far more subtle. “Pride is the desire to command respect” and it’s easy to see when someone else is attempting to manipulate and command it but very difficult to see when we are doing it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting respect but we should always reject the desire to command it and yet, that desire is something we are born with. Maturity is basically the process of learning to hide that desire, otherwise it will ruin every relationship throughout our lives. However, we can never completely rid ourselves of it and it will raise it’s head at every opportunity. Adults who don’t learn to hide it we think of as 2 year olds…or prisoners, and those of us who do learn to hide it are still governed by that desire, and the homes we build and the clothes we wear and the cars we drive…right on down to the conversations we attempt to control and manipulate…quite often stem from our “desire to command respect”.
That desire is the one thing that we will take with us when we die, unless we can find A WAY to eventually rid ourselves of it. Are we beginning to see why Christ said “You must be born again”…because he is THE WAY and he knew the pride that we are born into and must find a way out of through him, otherwise that desire will rule and ruin our lives on this earth and throughout eternity. Pride is what keeps us from forgiving, from surrender and from love. That desire destroys people and families and nations, and Christ died to set us free from it “…and ye shall know the truth (Jesus Christ) and the truth shall set you free”. All we really need to do is to receive and surrender to him…no one else is worthy. Other “ETguides” will pretend that they are and that they have truth but they are deceitful and they lie, and in reality they could care less about your life, your relationships or your eternity. They may save your life, only so that you will lose it in the end.
They will not help you to shine, but he will…if you allow him, to lead.
Except for “ET guides” the words in quotes, are from him.
Regina:
A surprise that you are such a Tango enthusiasts, I would have never guessed. I have always wanted to really LEARN the Tango very well however have never taken it upon myself to learn. I am not shy about my basic dancing abilitites however the Tango is something else.
I very much like you analysis of your feelings about the Tango and your evaluation of yourself as a confident woman, which I completely respect and admire, and that of a passionate and consumate Tango dancer. I have always heard that in the Tango one surrenders to the Dance, and not just the partner. I was about to talk about what the dance is however I really cannot say what it is only what I imagine it would be like.
For me I imagine the dance to be one of passion, controll only from the stand-point of fulidity of moving with a partner through the movements, and a feeling of being taken over by the music. Moving closly with a partner wtih a feeling of almost being one in movement and one with the music.
The comment above is interesting up to a point, pride I do not think is the “… desire to command respect…” as it is, to me, a desire to showcase my personal confidence it my abilities in a certain area such as the Tango if I were in that position. If one has self confidence one does not NEED to command any respect, it is usually given or recognized. If you do not have the ability to see what I am capable of then you are not at the level that could recognize my abilities/accomplishments in the first place, so why would I care what you think? The ONLY person I want to Impresss is myself at what I have learned and how far I have come from where I began. I do not mean this in a conceted way either, I take pride in my work ethic, my integrity, my honesty and my sincerity. Yes I was a Boy Scout however I have not always been proud of my actions and have been working to become a better person as I see it. I also seem to mentally disconnect with people who try too hard to push the Christ/Christian “Thing” into everything. I guess I have seen too many interviews on CMN and other places to really give Religion any creedence.
To me Actions have always spoken louder than words, and this is what I strive for, my actions to my fellow human being, nature, the environment and try to match my actons to what I preceive my soul’s desire for me to evolve into during my life time in this existance. I am encouraged to look into taking some Tango lessons to see if I can achive what you seem to have tapped into. What a thrill it would be to have a dance with you sometime,
. At least for me anyway.
Jerry
Very nice article. You have captured that essential element of Argentine Tango — have you seen ‘Surrender Tango’? Are you familiar with Carlos Gavito?
Yes, I have taken lessons with Carlos Gavito. Amazing spirit!